Mad Love

Mad Love

The term ‘Madly In Love’ is often used on new found lovers who are in the stages of their honeymoon and in the happiest mode of their life. In my case it is well put as Mad Love. My love life is not like any others to compare with. When I say Mad Love, I am honestly stating it. I am mad and I am in love. Again when someone says they are mad, they trying to state that they are outrages and adventurous but in my case I am mentally and medically mad. Insane would be a better word for it but it is still an understatement for the state of health of my mind. When I say I am mad, I am not referring to being adventurous and such but seriously stating that I see the world in a view of insanity and pure mental instability. I am the honest and basic meaning of MAD. I am psychotic, paranoid, emotionally screwed up, attention-seeking (only when it come love), and downright mental.  I am not your average male.

In love. Love is a beautiful thing but when it comes to my case it’s a very unstable and fucked up. I am wondering the meaning of love. I don’t know how it is to love someone. To give someone your whole life and soul with all the honest truth but without hurting her. She is perfect. A great girl with a great personality and a beautiful smile. She is everything any male would enjoy to have as a companion for life. She is perfect. Of course like every human she has a weakness and hers is unstable emotion. Its not a big deal and can easily be handle. All you have to do is be strong and stable when she is not. That is my problem.

Every time she is hurt and unstable, so am I. I am not there to help her and make it easier for her which adds up to the pain she going through but it hurts me even more to know that I am just adding the pain and I am the source of her misery. I know deep inside I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her to be hurt. I know I should be stronger and more stable but my weakness is my mental health. I get paranoid of what she is doing, jealous of other guys who spend time with her, and do everything to get her attention and my fear of hurting her keep getting me into a mistake which in turn hurt her even more. Plus I had always fear commitment because of myself, I fear that this will happen and somehow my subconscious mind wants to do those mistake to keep her away from me because I know that I am no good for her and I know that she is better without me but those mistakes makes her hurt even more which in turn hurts me. I am fucked up. 

She deserves a better man. A stable man. A man who is stable in his mind and attitude, stable financial and health, stable in emotions and actions, stable in everything and every aspect. She deserve a man which I am not. It hurts me to know this but sometimes, no..most of the time I feel she need a better man and that’s another reason why my subconscious mind keep making those mistakes. My mistakes are made so that she doesn’t have to suffer with my insanity, so that she can escape my grasp in order to be with a better man, so that I can be alone and not to hurt anyone. My mistakes were made for you.

The painful fact is that she is truly and deeply in love with me. I love her as much as well that is the reason of my mistakes. Every time I make my mistakes, she forgives me and buries her scars. I love her even more when she forgives me but I hate the fact she is burying her scars which I made. She loves me too much but I’m trying to save her from myself. I’m trying to let her go and be truly happy because I know that I am not capable of doing that for her.  But she stays. And it hurts me to see her stay with scars in her heart because of me. 

I do not believe in superstition because I take science and facts as my reality. This is because I don’t know what reality is. I told you I was crazy and unable to separate dreams and reality. This is why I need science to keep my reality check in balance. It made me an atheist. Somewhere a long time ago, I sold my soul to the devil in order to find my one and true love, my soul mate. I know for a fact that I found her but she is now in love with a man who got no soul. A soulless man who keeps hurting her because she can’t be in love with me.  I can’t give her what she needs. Of course now that I realize that there is no supernatural being and I didn’t not sell my soul I realize there was no devil, there was only me. I was the Devil. Crap..I was the devil. A revelation, an epiphany just occurred to me while I write this. I did not sell my soul to the devil, he doesn’t not exist. I am not trying to get rid of her because she cant love a soulless man, it is because I am afraid of commitment. 

I want her to leave but she stays. She stays after all the unstable and mental things I put her through. I wanted her to leave because I don’t want her to go through with my insanity any longer. But am I really doing that for her or for myself? I am afraid of commitment and the reason why I do what I did is because of my fear. I am not afraid of my insanity. She is not affected by my insanity. Crap what have I done? What have I being doing to her? She loves me no matter how insane I am. I need to stop doing what I do. I know I can’t be the man she deserves but I can try. I can try to at least keep her happy until that man arrives.  You might read this and wonder what the heck I am writing about. This is not something I’m trying to entertain of informational post. It’s my process of thinking clearly. It is my only way of getting my head clear up. So ignore this post for you can’t understand a process of a mad man in love. I got to go now and do everything I can to make her happy again and do everything not to fuck this up anymore. I can say I’m sorry but the action is what counts and for now my actions seems to be a very lousy redemption. 

I'm not depressed. I just miserably missing you.

What is Love? (part 4): Missing You

What is Love? (part 4): Missing You

“The Days drags their heels when you’re not there to crack the whip and the Weeks wait to burst like a sachet of brats.” – Arctic Monkeys.

This is the exact truth of my august 2011. For a month I had been craving and dying to see her again. A crazy feeling of missing stuck in my head making me to do mistakes in order to gain attention from her. It is not right. It is not right at all to be away from the one that you love. 

I miss everything about her.

 I miss her sweet scent of apple mixed with her body odor which magnetizes me towards her.

I miss her juicy strawberry lips that feed my deepest hunger of her love. 

I miss her touch, her smooth soft skin that electrifies my every senses.

I miss her eyes that unlock my deepest desire and inner truth of my life while I indulge in hers.

I miss staring at her and hoping to gain a smile in reply. For her smile lights up every bulb in my mind.

I miss her most adorable laughter that warms up every inches of my dark cloudy soul.

I miss her voice and how she says my name. Her voice is the sweet symphony that hypnotize my thoughts.

I miss her kiss. I miss her hugs. I miss her whispers. I miss her smile. I miss holding her hands.

I miss her. I miss you.

It kills me to be alone. It feels like being caged in a dark cold and weary chamber far away from the warmth of the sunlight which is you. You light up my life with your happiness and optimistic view of the world. You turn this man into a slave of your presence. I am a junkie for your love. You are my medicine. You are my drugs. Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need. I’m addicted to you and now I’m running out of control. I need you back in my life to save me from myself.

A new Journey of Love and Lost :
http://the23rdlife.blogspot.com/2012/04/hitchhikers-journey-to-being-lost-and.html

 

Atheist’s Eid Ul Ftri

Atheist’s Eid Ul Ftri 

As the sun crawls to the top on a calm serene morning, I hear the chimes of the Muslims prayers as they celebrate the first day of Syawal and the end of a long month of faith testing, Ramadhan.  I was amazingly surprise to hear myself chanting and praying along with the followers of Islam and a bigger self-shock was how perfectly I remember every single lines of the prayer. It maybe a simple and common thing for many Muslim man of my age but if you know me any better you will be too shocked. I am an atheist. A non believer of god but somehow on this joyous occasion I found myself doing the things a normal Muslim would do, waking up early and getting a nice good clean shower and wearing a new clothes (traditional Malaysian Malay ethnic) though I skipped the next step of going to a mosque to pray but I found myself chanting and praying along with the voices echoes through the air from the nearest mosque and television. Today I found myself bowing down to God. Not worshipping or believing but I gave my highest respect and honour to a respectable opponent. Many atheists will find this a little confusing but that is the reason of this article. To show and perhaps guide the non believers into respecting not religion but God. It may not just be for Eid Ul Ftri alone but to any religious celebration that is majority of your country, may it be Christmas, Depavalli, Chinese Lunar New Year and many more, this article will wish to show how an atheist, we should be the better individuals. 

I may sound right now as a religion and god apologist to the atheist’s view but let me break it down to you why I choose to respect God. It is of course well known that we can’t either prove or deny the existence of the higher power and that don’t mean we have to believe it but we have to accept the fact that though in our modern world many atheist sees religion as a bottle plug of Thinking but it is also the catalyst of human’s evolution of self-awareness and thoughts. We all know that as we evolve we begin asking a very tedious and pointless question on the knowing the answer towards Life, Universe and Everything. And some might theorise that is the origin of God, a replacement answers towards things that we currently do not understand. Yes we may have grown rapidly in the style of thinking since our first predecessors but that doesn’t mean we are fully evolved to just remove religion and God. I sincerely believe that many human beings around the world are still dependant and need the aid of both religion and God to help and guide them. We atheist they say maybe lost thought we refute the statement for we are capable of thinking and independent from the aid of religion and God but that doesn’t mean all of mankind are ready to stand without it. Since we should know that evolution is a process of a better offspring, then we should know that not all the birds have evolved into having bright feathers. And for mankind, our thinking is our next step of evolution. The evolution of thinking and believing in superstition can clearly be seen from the pagan gods to the pre-Abraham God and it goes further into almost losing it completely.  

Let us get back to the main point of this article, when I ‘pray’ along with the Muslims today, I wasn’t believing and I wasn’t being sarcastic and trying to offend them, I was sincerely wish to give my respect and gratitude towards God. I keep saying God alone instead of religion because I still have some unfinished business with religion but with God I love him. If I wasn’t an Atheist I would be a Muslim. No its not because the influence of the culture I was born into but mainly because of how the Islamic religion view God. Unlike Christianity and Judaism, Islam portrayed GOD or Allah not as a man but as something far greater and better in every way possible and can’t be compared though they holy book tends to contradict with the view but many Muslims view God in that sense. A greater and far better deity and no human can understand God. And that to me is a better progress than any other religion. And in my point of view, if God do exist that is how ‘neither he or she’ should be. 

When I join the prayers today, I didn’t wanted to bet on the save side. I wanted to show that even if I’m an atheist I can easily respect on something I don’t believe in. I do wish to further continue this article but for now I got to go. For the day is still young and I do wish to celebrate this day with my respect to God. For I am his most loyal opponent.

Assalamualaikum to all readers. (it means Peace be upon you. Just like May the force be with you!)   

The Music Of Insanity

What happens when you put an insanely bored man in a dark room with an out of tune guitar and a laptop? You get the OUT OF TUNE!!!  Its a new band created by Mr.Nobody for he was very bored. I admit this is not what many can call music but like I said I was BORED!!! And Would like to share my boredom and get some feedback from you guys...so here it is...

Band:   Out Of Tune
Album:  MeMakeNoiseWithGuitar

1) Symphony Of Boredom

This song is created out of complete boredom and the video too... The pictures in the video are random snapshot of my life for the last 10months....Enjoy and leave a comment!!!





   

I'm not Normal!

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: Manic Depressive   You have extreme cycles of highs and lows. Sometimes you feel like you don't know who you are. One week you could be very hyper and happy and the next week you are slow and depressed.
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
Paranoia
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Unlike avoidants, schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder (OCDP) sounds similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are markedly different disorders. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

Check your disorder at :
 http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Suicide Failure

The Recorded Attempt: The Ledge

(PS : Must be read with Monty Python style in mind)

     There is absolutely nothing wrong with him on the whole. He had an amazing life that anyone would kill to have. Just say the name Tristan Adam to any local or international Art enthusiast and they will tell you all about him. He became a famous painter at the age of 19 when he painted a vivid portray of a hermaphrodite’s genital and named it after a politician of that current time. He easily magnetizes the money and funding from every successful art exhibition he ever had and had been mingling around with A-list celebrities and top class supermodels. But yet he is suicidal. He has reached that certain age of 21 and thinks it is perfect time to end his career by ending his life. Somehow he thinks it is the final and greatest masterpiece.

  Tristan stands on the ledge of the building staring down at the bottomless abyss beneath him from his raccoon eye-bag eyes that hidden underneath the long scruffy black hair that flows gently with the current of the winter’s wind. A man named Henry silently enters the roof top of the building and examines the peculiar behaviour of Tristan.

“Oi, whatcha think you’re doing over there?” said Henry in a deep Northern accent.
“Gosh, you startled me. Don’t do that. I could almost fall off, you know,” replied the startled Tristan.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t meant to frightened you but you did look like you’re gonna jump,” apologize the man.
“Well I was going to but you came and scare the living !@#$%^&* out of me,” said Tristan.
“What? You’re gonna kill yourself?”
“Well that is the whole idea of throwing yourself off a building. It is called suicide you know.”
“I know what suicide is. Don’t patronize me. But if you’re planning to jump off anyway then why would you be afraid of falling off when I startled you? Wouldn’t it just help you?” questioned Henry.
“Well I do wish to kill myself by my own mean and not because some bloke scared me to death,” answered Tristan.

A momentarily pause as Henry lights up a cigarette while Tristan stares blankly at him.

 “So why exactly do you want to kill yourself?” said the curious Henry.
“Oh, what are you a psychiatric now? Is this some sort of a therapy session?” asked Tristan.
“Well, I’m just asking to make some small chat.”
“Small chat? Wait, what are you doing up here in the first place?” said Tristan.
“Smoking. This is my favourite spot. You can see the whole city from up here. And I was also planning to kill myself after this,” said Henry.

“What? You’re thinking about suicide as well? Why?”
“Well, I’m stuck in a dead end job with a Genghis Khan as my boss. My wife just divorced me and took the kids with her along with every other property I had. My parents don’t recognize me as their son and my mates haven’t spoken to me in ages,” answered Henry.
“Whoa, that’s one sad life you have there. You really should talk to someone and get some professional help there,” said Tristan.
“Well I did and now I just given up and wish to end it with a suicide up here. Why do you want to kill yourself?” said Henry.
“Well it’s not as bad as yours. I’m a painter you see.”

“Oh, are you any good?”
“Well, yeah I am. A couple of sheikhs bought the whole gallery of my exhibition last week.”
“Oh that’s nice. Got woman trouble then?”
“No. I’m currently dating this supermodel. She was on the Vogue magazine cover last month.”
“Lucky !@#$%^&*.  Wait a minute, your life sounds great. Why the !@#$%^&* do you want to kill yourself?”
“Well, I’m an artist. Suicide is my final masterpiece,” Tristan boasted.
“You’re mental. You have an odd grasp of art is the reason why no one understand art anymore,” stated Henry.
“Well that’s one man’s opinion.”

Another momentarily pause as Henry finishes his cigarette and flicks the bud into the open void in front of Tristan.

“So are you gonna jump first or should I go first?” ask Henry.
“What. I am not going to kill myself here if you’re doing it too,” said Tristan.
“Why not? Why my death isnt good enough for your artistic masterpiece? ”
“No its not that. The thing is,  the cops wont see it as a suicide if two dead bodies smash up at the pavement. They will think its murder. They would conclude that I was being robbed by you and we had a huge struggle and both fell over the ledge,” remark Tristan.
“Nah, they got all those fancy forensic CSI gadgets and !@#$%^&*. They’ll figure it out,” said Henry.

“Not if our bodies would be smashed into bits on the pavement. And beside my suicide should be artistic and alone,” said Tristan as he gets down from the ledge.
“Do you really think our body will be smashed into bits? Because I really do wish for an open casket funeral and I don’t want to be seen as a lump of goo in a box at my own funeral,” said Henry.
“Well, yeah I supposed your body would smash into bits. With the heights and velocity of your body falling would create a huge impact and the human body weren’t design to withstand that amount of pressure. You’ll definitely most probably go in bits.”
“Well okay, cool. “
“Yeah...”

“I’m still going for it anyway. Bye,” said Henry as he started to climb the ledge.
“Okay bye. See you later,” said Tristan as he begin to walk away.
“See you later,” said Henry who had pause his action. “Wait. See you later?? You think there will be a chance of me surviving the impact because I have enough pain to start off with. I don’t want to be seen as the man who fails to kill himself.”
 “No I don’t think anyone can survive a 23 storey high fall, “said Tristan.

“Then? What do you think there is an afterlife? Didn’t they say if you commit suicide you will go straight to Heaven or something?” ask Henry.
“Hell,” answered Tristan.
“Hell? I thought it was Heaven?”
“Well heaven if you die defending your religion and hell if u deliberately end your life,” said Tristan.
“Oh, I always get those two mixed up. Okay. Do something to offend my religion,” request Henry.
“What?”
“Say something offensive towards my religion and I will defend it and accidentally fall down the ledge,” said Henry as he position Tristan at the ledge and he gets into a position to charge towards Tristan.

“If God is real, you won’t be able to fool him like that,” said Tristan.
“Well it’s worth the shot isn’t it?”
“Well up to you. What is your religion then?” asked Tristan.
“I don’t know. I’m an agnostic,” said Henry.
“And I’m an atheist,” said Tristan.
“Well that’s convenient. Isn’t it?”

“Forget about the afterlife, religion and God. His existence is neither can be proven or dismiss,” said Tristan.
“Well its better to bet on the safe side wouldn’t it?” said Henry.
“If God prefers someone who bets on the safe side meaning believing and doing all the religious stuff without being truthful to himself rather than a person who refuses to believe in religion and in the existence of God because he studies and examine the countless evidence provided, then He is not really a God worth praying or dying for is He?’ stated Tristan.

“Well it’s my death. I choose how I want to die. I choose to bet on the safe side,” requested Henry.
“Okay then your choice. Now choose a religion.”
“Well what the best option?”
“Well there is the old school religion like paganism and animism. There is this religion call Judaism that is the original version of the religion Christianity and there is also the latest version of the same religion name Islam.  And there is also Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism and many more to choose,” said Tristan.


“That is a wide variety of faith. Which one should I choose?”
“Well you are born in this side of the world which major in the religion of Christianity. I think you might be more of a Christian if you weren’t agnostic,” suggested Tristan.

“Ok then. I think I remember some. Praise be with the Holy Mother, Holy Father, Holy Brother, Holy Sister..” chanted Henry.
“No. The Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit.”
“What there is a ghost as well in the family?”
“No No No No. It’s the Holy Virgin Mother, Holy Father, Holy Ghost or Spirit and the Holy Jesus,” explained Tristan.
“Oh okay. Hail to the Holy Virgin Mother Mary. Wait do you really think she is a virgin do you?” ask Henry.
“Nah but they do.”

“Haha, okay,” laughed Henry before he clears his throat. “Hail to Holy Mother, Father and Ghost.”
“And ?,” asked Tristan.
“Oh yeah. Praise to Jehovah!!”
“NOoo...”
“Allah?”
“No. And Jesus.”
“Right right. Praise to Jesus. Our God,” said Henry.
“And the son of God,” said Tristan.
“Oh he had a son? Who is he?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Yeah who is his son?”
“Jesus Christ is the son of God.”
“Wait I thought he was god. How can Jesus be the son and the father ant the same time. Did he had a time machine and travel back in time to shag and knock up the ‘virgin’ Mary  which then gave birth to him?” asked Henry.
“Haven’t got a single clue.’ 

“Okay now what?”
“The Virgin Mary was a slut and Jesus was an incest liar!” taunted Tristan.
“Oh really?” asked Henry.
“No, I’m insulting your religion so you can defend it.”
“Oh yeah. (clears throat) NO, they are not, you prick!” shouted Henry as he charges towards Tristan.
 He stops at the ledge and slowly climbs it before jumping off.  “Praise to Bezzleboss........!!!”

  Henry’s body falls in a rapid speed towards the ground. His body was expecting to explode into bits so imagine the body’s surprise when it didn’t. All the body suffered was massive internal and external bleeding with immense fracture of the bones and punctured lungs. On the last few moments of Henry’s life he thought it was a very bad idea and imagines his life as a bowl of petunia. Tristan stares at the silent non dramatic ending of the fall from the comfort of his high ground. He thought to himself, “Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. I’ll try something else.”