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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

A lonely Walk

A man without a sense of direction wanders aimlessly into the face of the judgmental city as they busily hurried along their business to return home to their sweet sanctuary after a long day of work. The sun has completely lost into the abyss of the night as darkness leaves the city lights blinding the citizen from the beauty and wonders of the starry skies. The veins of the streets are pouring with reds lights like a sea of slow paced vehicles. The wind stand still as the weather decide to take a day off from its usual downpour. This aimless man stares at it all in awe and disgust at the uselessness of it all. This man believe not in fate or destiny, he believes not in the administrative power of global economics, he believe not in the system of faith or any sorts of man-made desires, he only believe in the dynamics of purely random probabilities of the universe.

The smooth symphony of flapping plastic bags that floats with the gentle wind echoed into the dark park singing the secrets of the night.

My brain went dead. No functional synapses available to process anything new that is given to me. I was not at all here.The fuzzy dreams I had from my afternoon's nap have left me in a dazed and confused state of mind that perfectly emphasized by the lingering effects of the magical herbs which I had recently inhaled. If I was to ask to talk to you now on subjects of the empty conversational small talks  I would be dumb at the sound of your voice. Nevertheless my brain is uniquely programmed to be absent minded in my present environments but always busy with countless activities that is yet somehow unforeseen by my conscious thoughts. In the world, the bizarre irrational and illogical world of sub-conscious there is a whole fairytale yet to be told. Honestly I am just too lazy to write it all down for I rather live them all in my head. Over and over again. Like a good old film that you never get tired of watching.

Laziness is the barrier of all great men and it is every mortal worst enemy. One day I would learn to overcome this but that day is not today. Due to the lack of conscious activity in my mind this entry on my journey is a boring and which kind of entry with no regards to convey any message or to bewildered your minds with beautiful rheumatic usage of common words. IF you somehow reading this then forgive me for wasting your time. Right now I cant think of anything in particular but yet everything that I ever did in precise details and the consequences of that action has a rippling effects on the collateral acquaintances of my social life. I often wondered why people would stare at me and now I realized that they are not used to a person who is free from their little world of money and mundane life. They stare at me for I have understand the little ripples of history and had removed myself from the equation but yet still manages to contribute in their daily life even in the tiniest way possible. Or maybe they stare at me because I don't dress they way they want me to. Or maybe they stare at me because I am always so stoned. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even alive to begin with, whether we at all have any freewill. And other times I feel like we are all dreaming all the time.

 I am not like you. I am what you would call as mentally ill. It has nothing to do with drug abuse or alcohol overdose, no it all began before I did any of these activities. I am plague by audio and visual hallucinations which I know for a fact aren't real or possible in this know reality. Call it memories of previous life but there are times where I could recall memories of a future life, call it premonitions. I do not belief in such superstitions. Then you might call it dreams or vivid wild imaginations for it randomly pops into my mind during my waking life but how about me falling asleep and waking up in a different reality of a life then returning to my present life three days later. A reality such as my ex-lover was still mine or a reality where I am not even on earth but space-bound. According to my family and friends that three days I was living a normal life like how I would behave but I have no conscious memory of it. Does this mean my conscious mind was drown in dreams and imagination while my subconscious mind controls my physical daily life?

Still this doesn't explain the countless voices I keep hearing that supposedly from another reality and those visual hallucinations casually enters the fragment of my eyes. Are all these different lives and memories are just my imagination? Then why are they so real? You might think I am crazy. You might think I am lying for it is easier to dismiss my claims and return to your life than believing in such stories which is almost impossible for me to explain with such a weak validity. I believe I am traveling through space time continuum using my brainwaves conscious frequency to jump parallel realities. Mad idea, i know but it feel a lot better than saying I am a Schizophrenic nutcase that should be locked up in a mental institution. I don't blame you for not believing but don't judge me is all I can say. When I doze off and almost ignoring your presence understand that my perception is obscure by my predicaments. Maybe what I remember and seeing is true. Maybe its just the fragmentary visions of my imaginations. Or maybe I am just too big of a dreamer.

Maybe it is all just a dream. But I am constantly haunted and tormented by how vivid it is and how vague this reality has become. I fear not knowing which reality I would wake up into and I fear I might just get stuck in a place I rather not be. It ruin my previous relationship with a girl I dearly loved. I kept fearing to wake up from a sleep thinking that she was all but a dream. I kept having deeper hallucinations of another reality and stuck there for a long period. I fear when I return she would be gone and she did.... My paranoia on things gotten way out of hand, it resulted in chasing her away. Told her that my conditions were getting better and I managed to controlled it but the truth was always on the contrary. Funny how that was nearly two years ago but yet things haven't changed. I could never fall in love with a girl for fearing to hurt her in the same way. I fear of falling in love for I fear it could all be a dream. This is why I smoke the cannabis, it helps me stray away from these visions of paranoia and keep me calm but at time i do smoke a little too much. This situation of mine had ruined my job life for I have a hard time perceiving time in the concept of human life.

I have become a traveler of time, space and reality due to this condition. I have become crazy and unsteady. I have no grip on the sense of anything anymore. So why do I still write? Why do I still do anything anymore? I dont know. I just hope in the reality of my voice is heard because the saddest thing is that I cant prove anything. I write because its the only way I know I exist. Its a piece of my mind of moment that would soon be lost in time. I am ever changing. I am impermanence. I am nobody. This physical body of mind is continuously changing every single cell everyday and in seven years I am a new person. My mind is too changing as I grow more mature with time and experience of life. I am not who I was yesterday and will never be the same tomorrow. Thus my writings are the only constant in my life. This is why I write.

It is not easy for me to convince you that I am not crazy and that everything I am hallucinating is nothing more than the leak of parallel universes for these theory is based upon the unprovable hypothesis of String Vibration in the tiniest quantum particles of the universe. In order to really show you what I see, I have to calculate the equations which most scientist are still figuring out even if they somehow manages to calculate it. There is still a question of how and why do I see these parallel universes and you don't. Why? Perhaps it is easier for me to accept that I am mental and just a lucid dreamer so I could easily be accepted into your world. But I have never like your world anyways. Maybe that is the reason why I indulge myself with these crazy thoughts. Maybe I am just some guy who cant accept and live in your harsh cold world or maybe your world is delusional and cant accept the truth of mother earth Gaia. Maybe.

Reality and Truth is a matter of perception. That being said, it is impossible to call anyone mad for in their eyes, in their reality you are mad. Truth is we are all mad and we refuse to believe it. That is the only constant reality and the only constant truth. We are all mad with different ideas of delusions. Mine just more intricately planned with aesthetic beauty. This is what I realize with my lonely walk in the park at night staring at the stars..


  1. Woodstock Forever28 February 2013 at 23:03

    Please write a book! I would love to read it!

    1. Yessur..I am planning on it right now...Will update if i ever manage to get it done and published...