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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Mad Love

Mad Love

The term ‘Madly In Love’ is often used on new found lovers who are in the stages of their honeymoon and in the happiest mode of their life. In my case it is well put as Mad Love. My love life is not like any others to compare with. When I say Mad Love, I am honestly stating it. I am mad and I am in love. Again when someone says they are mad, they trying to state that they are outrages and adventurous but in my case I am mentally and medically mad. Insane would be a better word for it but it is still an understatement for the state of health of my mind. When I say I am mad, I am not referring to being adventurous and such but seriously stating that I see the world in a view of insanity and pure mental instability. I am the honest and basic meaning of MAD. I am psychotic, paranoid, emotionally screwed up, attention-seeking (only when it come love), and downright mental.  I am not your average male.

In love. Love is a beautiful thing but when it comes to my case it’s a very unstable and fucked up. I am wondering the meaning of love. I don’t know how it is to love someone. To give someone your whole life and soul with all the honest truth but without hurting her. She is perfect. A great girl with a great personality and a beautiful smile. She is everything any male would enjoy to have as a companion for life. She is perfect. Of course like every human she has a weakness and hers is unstable emotion. Its not a big deal and can easily be handle. All you have to do is be strong and stable when she is not. That is my problem.

Every time she is hurt and unstable, so am I. I am not there to help her and make it easier for her which adds up to the pain she going through but it hurts me even more to know that I am just adding the pain and I am the source of her misery. I know deep inside I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her to be hurt. I know I should be stronger and more stable but my weakness is my mental health. I get paranoid of what she is doing, jealous of other guys who spend time with her, and do everything to get her attention and my fear of hurting her keep getting me into a mistake which in turn hurt her even more. Plus I had always fear commitment because of myself, I fear that this will happen and somehow my subconscious mind wants to do those mistake to keep her away from me because I know that I am no good for her and I know that she is better without me but those mistakes makes her hurt even more which in turn hurts me. I am fucked up. 

She deserves a better man. A stable man. A man who is stable in his mind and attitude, stable financial and health, stable in emotions and actions, stable in everything and every aspect. She deserve a man which I am not. It hurts me to know this but sometimes, no..most of the time I feel she need a better man and that’s another reason why my subconscious mind keep making those mistakes. My mistakes are made so that she doesn’t have to suffer with my insanity, so that she can escape my grasp in order to be with a better man, so that I can be alone and not to hurt anyone. My mistakes were made for you.

The painful fact is that she is truly and deeply in love with me. I love her as much as well that is the reason of my mistakes. Every time I make my mistakes, she forgives me and buries her scars. I love her even more when she forgives me but I hate the fact she is burying her scars which I made. She loves me too much but I’m trying to save her from myself. I’m trying to let her go and be truly happy because I know that I am not capable of doing that for her.  But she stays. And it hurts me to see her stay with scars in her heart because of me. 

I do not believe in superstition because I take science and facts as my reality. This is because I don’t know what reality is. I told you I was crazy and unable to separate dreams and reality. This is why I need science to keep my reality check in balance. It made me an atheist. Somewhere a long time ago, I sold my soul to the devil in order to find my one and true love, my soul mate. I know for a fact that I found her but she is now in love with a man who got no soul. A soulless man who keeps hurting her because she can’t be in love with me.  I can’t give her what she needs. Of course now that I realize that there is no supernatural being and I didn’t not sell my soul I realize there was no devil, there was only me. I was the Devil. Crap..I was the devil. A revelation, an epiphany just occurred to me while I write this. I did not sell my soul to the devil, he doesn’t not exist. I am not trying to get rid of her because she cant love a soulless man, it is because I am afraid of commitment. 

I want her to leave but she stays. She stays after all the unstable and mental things I put her through. I wanted her to leave because I don’t want her to go through with my insanity any longer. But am I really doing that for her or for myself? I am afraid of commitment and the reason why I do what I did is because of my fear. I am not afraid of my insanity. She is not affected by my insanity. Crap what have I done? What have I being doing to her? She loves me no matter how insane I am. I need to stop doing what I do. I know I can’t be the man she deserves but I can try. I can try to at least keep her happy until that man arrives.  You might read this and wonder what the heck I am writing about. This is not something I’m trying to entertain of informational post. It’s my process of thinking clearly. It is my only way of getting my head clear up. So ignore this post for you can’t understand a process of a mad man in love. I got to go now and do everything I can to make her happy again and do everything not to fuck this up anymore. I can say I’m sorry but the action is what counts and for now my actions seems to be a very lousy redemption. 

I'm not depressed. I just miserably missing you.

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