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Sunday, 4 September 2011

Secret Garden of Love


Secret Garden of Love

Endless wave of winds wipes through every part of my body cooling it down from all the excitement that is ongoing. Your messy hair would be enjoying the thrill of the wind if it wasn’t tight up. You sit there with your lips moving on and on with countless numbers of words as your voice become a soundtrack to my daydreaming. As you sit there talking, I sits here thinking and hoping that this isn’t a dream. So many times I saw your face in so many realities and now to finally see it after a long separation I am speechless by your presence. My articulate methods and constantly lost in my own thought may cause you to think I’m lacking of enthusiasm with your companion but my dear, I am lost. Since I keep seeing you in my dream, I had a feeling in my stomach that this could be all just a dream. I have seen it before. I saw you sitting here by my side while my hands holding you tight. I saw your head resting on my chest listening to my heart and know it only beat for you; it won’t even beat for me anymore, since you arrive in my life it was yours all along. I saw your face scarred by the past but yet recovering by your own strength. I saw your eyes and your beautiful smile, in that moment I did not see a scarred face, I did not see a troubled girl, I saw you. I saw in that moment the girl that I fell in love with. I saw in that moment the girl who I had always wanted to hold and be by my side always as a friend, as a lover, as the mother to my future kids, as the one I want to be with on my deathbed. I saw a whole life in that moment. I wished you would have seen what I saw.

But the undesirable question comes to mind. I have seen this before. I have seen all these in my head, mind and dreams too many times and I wonder whether this is just another dream or is it a reality. I kept it to myself for I rather shut my mouth and enjoy this moment whether it’s real or just a dream for I am afraid of the truth. What if it’s a dream? Then I have been dreaming for too long. What if it is a reality? Then I still should keep my mouth shut and record every second of it for I know it would be a long time before I meet you again.

This place is the only place on earth that I have ever loved. A secret garden in the rumbling city. A beauty hidden in modern scars. This secret garden has become a metaphor and a symbol of our love. It is beautiful, fresh, filled with life and joy and pure happiness right in the middle of a dark, selfish, money minded and modern pressure to be perfect world. The flowers and greens that surrounds our bench as we sit there are delighted to see love restored to its place. We sit in the bench. You continuously talking and I think to myself you talk too much and I need to shut you up with a kiss but every time I try you just turn away. I love your endless ranting its better than a complete silent but it hurts when you start pinching my face. I don’t know why I let you slap me, normally I would get angry but with you I rather have you slapping me than you leaving me. You told me to look into your face and ask for any changes but you asking the wrong person. I cant look at the changes of your outer beauty, each time I look at you all I see is your inner beauty. Gosh I really wish you could have seen what I saw it was amazing and indescribable with mere words. But since you ask I did look into your face, though the only thought in my head was your sweet lips and how to steal a kiss from it, sincerely I cant remember what I told you because I was too concern of you that I forgot myself. 

This garden is where I dreamt of you the most. I dream of you in a wedding gown, not the traditional white but in a hippy/vintage style wedding dress which I completely adore. I dreamt that your entire family and friends were there as you walk down the aisle. I saw you were happy and smiling with the greatest happiness I have ever seen. You were excited, you were satisfied, you were blessed. You walk down to lucky man on the altar. I realize that man wasn’t me. I realize that I was not in the wedding at all. Where was I? You said your vows and he said his. I keep trying to look into his face but it was impossible. I try to hear his name but it was not said. I saw him kissing you and taking you away from me and I nearly breakdown and cry. I don’t think it’s a beautiful dream but I told myself this is my place now. This is my dream. I’m not in my own dream but I can only see this garden and you. I am not the man who marries you.  While everyone else was enjoying your wedding and could not see my presence, an old man walks by to me and told me : Not yet. Until the day I become and grow to be that man, I will keep seeing this dream and will never see your husband because I can’t see who I’m growing to be but whoever he is, I need to find him in me. The old man said to me, “I’m afraid you’re too early for the wedding. You need to come back on the right time but remember don’t be too late.” 

 Back in the past when I was alone, I keep writing about a beautiful girl of my dreams and how amazing she is but now that I have you I cant seems to write her anymore. I tried finding new and better words to describe your beauty and your personality but the words seems to be inadequate to express my feelings for you. Its never enough to write anything anymore about you for these words are boring and dull compare to you. I tried so many times to show you my love but I never seem to have it right. So forgive me if these words are plain and simple for my love to you is never is that plain but you’re not my dream girl, you’re my reality.

In the garden, I twist my tongue and lips with you. It was long and wet. Gosh, I wish I have a better word to describe it but the only thing I can say it was passionate. I love how every time we stop for a breather, we say its never enough. I love how I can feel every senses and every touch. I love how it’s still stuck in my head, I love how I can still feel you in my arms and how my hearts is still beating so heavily since you left me. I love how it feels. I just cant say anything anymore. I am wordless. You make me this way. Only you can make a man of words lose his words. The only word that I can think of right now is YOU.

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