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Thursday, 22 September 2011

The Rooftop Epiphany

There was a man. Up there on the roof top of that building. He was jumping to the sounds of chaos as the wind blows through his unbutton t-shirt. The waves of winds flaps his shirts like a sail in the sea and he was flying free and high. He was shouting at the top of his lungs as the smokes escapes out of his open mouth. His shaky hands holds onto the cigarette as he puts it onto the edge of his dry lips. A river of falling tears leaks through his pitch black eyes that was covered by the dark dirty hair that a few hours ago was neatly suited for the corporate world. He stares at the world below him. It was the twilight hours again. As the sun slowly run away into the night hiding behind the thick white gray sky of the stormy weather. The cars were chasing the hours back home from a long day of work to be back to their miserable little lives. The lights began to flashes on giving him the cinematic view of vision of colours. The man stares down at the ladder that led him to standing on top of the water tank. It looks so simple and easy. The ledge is just near the ladder. He could just pretend to fall down the ladder and down the ledge. But he laugh out loud. He will never kill himself. Not anymore. Not since he found what he was looking for.

Let me introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. Hope you guess my name...The reason for why I am wasting my time telling you this story of this man is because I'm giving you all a warning. You may find him a little mad but everyone of you are mad as well. Everyone of you has been here or will go through it. This is a prior warning for those who are not certain of what will happen when you lose control. This is the story of a man losing control. A man who is uniquely special for I have booked him a table to dine with me when the time comes. This is also be a story of whether he will follow me or stay. This is the story of the man on the rooftop. 

The man on the rooftop comes with many names. Neil Adams, Mr. Nobody, Nazreen Farhan, Nazreen Stein, Nazreen Abraham, Narwhal, Nuke, and many more. He hides behind this names like an actor hiding behind a role he is playing. But this man has been hiding for too long. He been playing many different characters to the point he forgotten who he truly is. He is lost. He is searching for a haven. He is in a battle with his minds and currently losing to it very badly. He stands there on the top of the washed out by the rain red water tank...Losing sight of reality. He saw a vague and vignette lights of the city beneath him. Here up here, he was king. He was the superior. He was in between. In between his dreams where he is god and in reality where he is a peasant. But up here, he is king of his reality. He shouts and screams as much as he wants and no one can tell him no. But he cry instead.

He told me to write this so and tell the world the truth of his condition. He is no longer afraid of what they have to say. He no longer wish to hide. The man on the rooftop is facing a big crisis. He was delusional. For example, the reason why he cry so much more than he should is because he saw the ghost of someone he hurt.

(Play this or not up to you..)

As the man hold on to his knees and tears rolling from his heart, a familiar voice appears by his side. The same voice he heard before. The voice of the one. That voice came from the girl who appeared next to him every time he was down. He first saw her when he was in despair and misery at the age of 17. When he tried to end his life, she appear and stops him. And now she is back. This girl has the most beautiful and soothing voice of comfort, the scent of an angel star, the eyes that reveals his darkest secrets, the lips that was the sweetest drug. She sat there next to him with her 'Yoko Ono' hair blowing in the wind. She was there again to bring him back to a straight thoughts but he wished not to see her. He knew that she was not real. He hurt her that was the reason he was up there. The girl sitting next to him maybe a hallucination of his mind but she does exist. He was lucky enough to actually found her. He found the girl of his dreams. But his current state of health of his mind breaks her heart with the senseless act of paranoia and jealousy. He broke the heart that kept him alive. And now he is back to where it begin. The rooftop : where 'Me and Her' begins, where 'Neil really meet Jenny', where 'the start of Facing the Book of Love', where the question of  'What is Love?' appeared, where 'Twilight kiss' was on the mind, where 'The Hands of Macbeth' was trembling, where 'The Voice' was 'Hypothetically Speaking', where 'The Pencil' wrote 'The Suicide Note', where Dreams and Reality entwined.

She: What are u doing up here again?
He: You know why. I hurt you. All because of my brain damage.
She: What did u do this time?
He: I was feeling insecure that u might not love me anymore..I made you cry with my paranoia.
She: Why were u paranoid?
He: I'm just the jealous guy.
She: Stop being John Lennon. You are not him. haha (smiling and laughing)
He: I know.
She: You just some smelly boy.
He: With a mind like mine.
She: But thats what makes you different. Thats why i love u.
He: I'm not that special. I dont want this mind if it hurt u. I dont want to hurt u again.
She: But u r special and u cant change ur mind of yours. U can only control it or fix ur paranoia without losing those dreams.
He: Why cant i just get a medicine to fix my mind?
She: And lose ur dreams?
He: My dreams makes my expectation in this world too high to reach for anyone. And it puts an expectations to u.
She: You hurt me, Abraham.
He: I noe. I need to get rid of my dreams.
She: If you do that you will hurt me even more.
He: Why?
She: Because u loves ur dreams. U believe in ur dreams. U dont need to let go of them. U just need to wake up and realize that i'm still here in the reality.
He: U? or do u mean her? I noe u dont exist.
She: Haha...of coz i meant her...U said the same thing when we first met. Right here. At this exact same spot a few years ago. You tried to jump off and i stop u.
He: Yes..I remember. Why did u stop me?
She: Because u need to live. U still have a purpose in this life.
He: Why and what is it?
She: U need to live to love me. U might think u need me but in truth i need u too. I tot u might figure this out already...c'mon with all the stories of my life i have told u...
He: But i need u more to be stable headed.
She: Dont start that battle who loves and needs who more. U noe i dont exist and i'm just a figment of ur imagination. U noe i'm going to let u win.
He: haha..yeah true.
She: But the real me would definately kick ur butt.
He: Shut up.
She: So what u gonna do now?
He: Im gonna stay up here and sing my heart out and dance on this rooftop till my head clears out a bit more.
She: Can I join?
He: Wanna dance with me underneath the moonlight?
She: Dancing in the moonlight!!
He: Yes..
She: Wait..promise me u wont jump off ?
He: I got all the reason to stay in this world.
She: Whats the reason?
He: You.

He dance on the rooftop alone in the night accompanied by the moon and the lights of the city. The stars above him laughs at his foolish acts. But if he is a fool then he is a fool for her. So be cruel to him but remember that when things was getting complicated staring into the eye of the storm, she flicks a red hot revelation and call the Voice of Reason for him to find what he needed. He was saved by her. Though she was just a figment of his imagination and in the real truth he saved himself but in the wider picture he wanted to be save by her and she gave him exactly just that. Love. Love is all you need. Love is what he need. When a room is starting to be filled with people and u thinks its getting crowded, know that its only getting crowded in your head. He found his reality to keep him stabilized. He sold his soul to me to gain her.

This is not the end of the story but merely a new beginning. A bridge of the all those that happened. A truth of the lies he created. A door to be open. But i can only show him the door only he can walk through it.

You might hear of me before. You might have read me in this blog before. I used the name of Qisma, Kismet and Fate but I dare you to think again. Hope you guess my real name.....I am the devil....but my name is Nazreen Abraham...I am he. I am the man on the Rooftop...There is the devil inside me but like i warned you before this is a story for everyone in this world. There is a devil inside me, there is a devil inside you, keep it on a leash but let it out once a while. Like a dog we can tamed to an extend before we bite you back. Let us free and let us play. Let the devil inside you have their say and dont just bottle it up until it explode...

Final word: 
A fren told me this once, "When you were born, you were the only one crying and screaming while everyone else happy and smiling and laughing of joy. You cry because you know you're too comfortable in the womb and knows that life would be hard. As life goes by you would continue crying and wanting to go back to the comfort womb of your dreams. But life goes on. Remember to live life to the best and when you leave make sure everyone else is crying to see you go while you smile that you make the most of life."

Of course if in my funeral, I wish everyone smile and celebrate that life wont be bothering me any longer.

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