How do u feel if you do something wrong or stupid to the one you loves and it hurts them but it hurts you more because you're main intention is good and never thought of huritng anyone?

I feel an unbearable burden and pain in my chest..Like a sharp stinging sensation in my soul that hurts worst than any physical wounds i ever had...This question is very good for me for i tend to be in this shit situation almost all the time...But i rather be in this situation and feel the pain because its better than feeling nothing at all... Sometimes I think i am subconsciously addicted to pain and prone to make trouble and mistakes for anger and agony towards oneself tends to make you feel numb and no one will be able to hurt you any longer.. But it really really painful when i subconsciously search for trouble with my best friend/lover ( U noe who u are) because i know deep inside i wont want to do crap like this and i rather escape my own doings...but i cant...I am programmed towards disaster...

Give me some questions