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Thursday, 2 June 2011

ETG2E : Extra-Terrestrials Guide To Earth

Extra-Terrestrials Guide To Earth

      What you’re about to read is a small article on guide to Earth and not meant for Earthlings. The author of this article hope and had tried numerous times to submit it to the greatest book ever sold in the universe, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy but the jerks at the publishing company of Ursa Minor finds that the topic of a planet they had never heard of its a complete waste of time and would never gain any money from it. So that is the main reason why many Earthlings still thinks they are special and that they are the only smart civilization that lives in the universe when the obvious truth is that they had been completely ignored by the rest of the civilization of this galaxy and perhaps even the whole universe. But for those who do wish to know about this tiny little planet, it would be my pleasure to give a little tips and guidance to Earth and its mostly childish habits.

Earth is located at Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha of the Galaxy 556. The number 556 was actually given by the man responsible of naming it, Rakya Lanyalah. He was merely impressed by the number and how most of his equations seems to sum up to 556. Honestly, I think its pure coincidence or just another number paranoia that occurs due to extreme exposure to Mathematical problems. Earth is a small greenish-blue planet populated by harmless carbon-based organisms and its third smartest residents are descended of apes although they argues with such facts and ignorant to the other two smarter animals on the planet. It is a bad place to be stranded on for they have no contacts with any other civilizations in the galaxy. It is one of those planets that are cast away even though its life form is far more intelligent than planets like Otara, Slatan and many more, which has no local intelligent beings.

If you by any chance do wish to contact Earth for whatever purpose that may concern you agenda here are the basic rules and facts:

*Firstly do not bother just sending them a coded text of sound waves messages for they are lack in skills to decode such an encryption and they are very skeptical with existence of smarter civilization than themselves for they are very deeply based in their religious believe in the divine deity, best thing is to just visit the planet with a very obvious and big spaceship yourself. But be warned to not simply just enter their atmosphere without giving prior notice for these creatures are very paranoid with such an event due to over exposure of the media. If no warning are given they will tend to attack first even if unprovoked. Though their weaponry and war tools are pretty much harmless but they tend to have a very surprising side to them which fascinate me the most, which is to fight for their precious little planet with their lives. 
So please unless your intention is to start a war then give a clear message of peace through the countless medium of communications they starting to develop. Then make sure they gather their leaders or representatives into a meeting and explain your intentions. Make sure you begin by telling them that they are not alone and explain the amount of networks or star systems out there first. Then enjoy continuing your agenda.

Earth like many other civilizations in their category have their own believe systems but unlike the rest they tend to be very violent and very hateful for those who don’t share the same believe as them even though on the same planet and basically the same believe just a different preacher. There are many believes on Earth: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, paganisms, Scientology (nothing to do with science apparently), Wiccans, Satanism and Spaghetti Monster-ism with Teapot-ism. The two largest believe shall be Christianity and Islam which tends to argue with one another with a little help of Judaism. They had been having plenty full mindless war against one another but if you look at the basic their not so different after all. Here are the things you as an Alien to this planet and believe system should know about their believe system:
*All these religions believe in divine deities.

*Judaism, Islam and Christianity believes in only one GOD. (Christianity has something call the TRINITY which said that there is 3 GOD but it’s all the same person which is very puzzling and funny to think about it.)
* All these religions preachers their followers to do good deeds and stay away from evil deeds. (though they do allow bad deeds to be done in a special circumstances)

* All these religions believes in the after lives mostly it consist of Heaven (good) and Hell (bad) but some religions believe in reincarnations which states a human being is reborn after death by some cool magic.
*They believe in an evil deity mostly call Satan or Devil which always portrayed as a bald beaded red man with horns just like the beings of the planet Lucitian. 
*They believe in a good supernatural beings that GOD has created to do his bidding because he was too lazy to do it himself which he named Angels. They often potrayed as a white skinned human with white wings and a golden ring floating above their heads. Just like the residences of the planet Firda.

*The God of the Judaism, Christianity and Islam tend to be very racist and very hateful of those who don’t share the same believe. Personally I think God is an attention seeker that cant share the spotlight with others.
*They all believes that these supernatural creatures are invisible and immortal.

But don’t be mistaken that all human beings are superstitious believers, there are a few that has no believes in any religion mainly because they too lazy to care but there are those who smart enough to learn science and use their common senses. These sad little few are called Atheist. The often being called a devil worshipper and tend to be scorn at or be mistreated as idiots. Which is funny for all they want is just to live their lives in peace without their nagging disturbance and duty to keep praying to god either 5times A day or just on Sundays. These religions tend to be very nosey and loves to mock around political issues which is annoying those who has no believe of any GOD. So if you do contact the Earthlings be preapare to be influence to be converted to a religion or called Demons. 

You’re best choice is to find an atheist and stick with them for they will be very happy and welcoming your presence which will be their greatest evidence that there is no GOD. If you need a help finding an Atheist for they tend to hide to escape the mocking of society, here are a few Atheist that will welcome you to their house: Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry, Ricky Gervais and Nazreen Abraham.

NOTE: If you’re not some royalty or some political Alien to earth just a hitchhiker go find Nazreen Abraham because the rest above mentions are famous Atheist. Nazreen Abraham is currently located in a very religious based country called Malaysia, in the state of Selangor from there just find a mid age young adult that have no driving license. Shouldnt be too hard to find. Or for better clue find the guy that  thinks he is an alien too.


Do not expect great technologies from this planet. These ape descendent civilization still think that a smart phone with touch screen is a pretty neat idea. And the life on Earth can be very depressing for most of the people living on it tends to be very unhappy for pretty much most of the time, even those with a smart phone. They still tend to travel in internal combustion vehicles that runs on a fuel that composed of the dead organism of the past great creatures that roam on earth. And the saddest part I can tell you is that they still haven’t manage to own each an airborne vehicles.

The life on earth is pretty boring and depressing it usually consist of the same road of life for most of the humans. It start like this.

*Get born.
*Get pampered and careless of the world.
*Go to an educational prison (which is not even consisting the basic knowledge of the universe) to learn to chase something called money.
*Go to a higher educational prison.

*Get a job to chase those green pieces of paper called money.
*Get attached to fellow human being to create another human being in this world which will go through the same process.
*Get bored of that fellow human being.
*Argue with that fellow human being.
*Get separated with that fellow human being and find another one OR Have angry sexual intercourse and forget what they were arguing about.
*See the offsprings going through the same process.
*Seeing other human beings dying beside you.
*Realise that they just wasted their life.

*Try to live their life to the fullest by travelling their planet.
*Get angry at the travelling ageny.
*Get angry at the place travelling.
*Have sexual intercourse with fellow human being or if he/she died already the n countless sexual partners.

*Do stupid things like trying to answer the ultimate Question of Life The Universe and Everything.
*Give up on those stupid things.
*Seeing offsprings depressed and asking for advice.
*Giving them advice which they themselves never follow.
*Get angry at completely anything that passes their way.
*Realise that they had been only angry at themselves.
*Die in regret with middle finger pointing to the sky where GOD is suppose to be.

* Meet GOD and argue with GOD.
*Go to hell and argue with the Devil.
*Get reincarnated as a dung beetle.

 Other than that life on earth is pretty much boring compared to other great planets like Orgiania or Garathoa.


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