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Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Ganja Adventures of Phuket : The Journey Up North

                               ~ Harimau Ganja Presents ~

Ganja Adventures of Phuket : The Journey Up North

[ DAY : ONE ]

This story begins like any other stories; it starts with the sun rising over the lands as nature moves its slow feet in the entropy of time. It’s an ordinary morning with the exception that today I do not start my morning from my weed-stank bedroom window cursing the goddamn sunny fucker for interrupting my dreams but rather on the road between the beautiful mountains of land of Malaya. The white local-made soccer-mom minivan (Proton Exora) speed through the quite stillness of the forest with few vehicle companions on the empty highway, my old pushes the machine to its extreme limits catching a few flashing photo snap from the annoying speed cameras. A five hour drive from Kuala Lumpur to the border of Thailand is now cut down to barely 4 hour drive thanks to my father’s ancestral Germanic hunger for speed.  Though this might sound reckless for my father to be swooping pass irritatingly slow cars as if he was in a car chase in a big budget Hollywood action summer blockbuster but he would always say that Arnold Schwarzenegger was his gym mate. Unfortunately my dad's figure is the exact opposite of an aging Hercules but rather a real-life Homer Simpsons physique. Yet my young eight years old brother sleeps soundlessly on my laps while my older sister snoring away behind ignorant to the fact that this white old man driving stunts. Yet I found myself awake and staring into a distance, maybe it just the remaining Ganja in my brain.

It’s been exactly seven years since my family had a proper vacation; in fact it’s been that long since we sat down all together as a family without plates flying and throat sores of curses. A pain of the past mistake is forgotten to give this innocent little member of our shipwreck family a memory worth remembering. Every child needs a full family vacation story that he will hold onto for the rest of his life. It would be selfish of us to rob him of this beautiful thoughtful tradition. A holiday trip back to Phuket, Thailand. A place where I spent half of early years vacationing. The best memories I had of my family were there. I’m not going to a foreign land, I’m returning home to a memory in time where this family is at its strongest bond of love.  10 days in Phuket is what my family needs, it’s what I needed too. Especially when the marijuana in Phuket is so much fresher than the one back in the big city. Haha

We passes through the fields of palm oil plantations that grows neatly alongside the highway like little soldier of pollutions. It is amazing to see how many fools stares at these pretentious trees and think it is a natural beauty. These fields reminds me nothing more that the greed and hunger for oil and power. The very essence of corruption in my country. Oil and Wealth. These palm oils plantation have destroyed thousands of acres of habitats for the unique flora and fauna of my tropical jungle just to feed the holes of the hearts. No animals can eat the fruits of these poison trees, and few can make their homes on them. Why are humans blind I do not know. 

Wouldn’t it be better if they do plantation of this size to produce cannabis instead?  Even if its power that they are hungry for there is always thousands of alternatives that they wouldn’t need to kill anybody for and would benefit everybody, but no...They can’t make money out of it, therefore it is a very bad investments. It is a bad investment when nobody needs to pay for energy anymore. Less bills for the people to pay is a very bad investment. You can’t get rich that way. I would be glad to stop here right now and destroy all of these plantations with my bare hands and replace each and every single one of them with cannabis seeds. Nevertheless this fake calm scenery of palm oils is much more preferable to the rat race of the concrete jungle city life.

The sun crawls up to the sky and sits on its highest throne as we reaches the border of Siam.

I sway in the souls the two lands like a migrating bird seeing the differences of the cultures and yet profoundly similar. The border of Thailand and I am starting to sober up from the last joint I had at the rest stop just now. Fuck there is so much army men and police fuckers. Their faces is filled with the heat of the sun and the anger of the authorities power. Yet I see big lorries swooping pass the borderline without much regards to whether they are smuggling Nuclear Bombs into the country. They really just don’t give a shit. I walk around the small town with its non-stop buzzing traffic with the excuse of finding a toilet but honestly I was searching for some cannabis. Found an old man smoking his pipe at a small wooden coffee shop smiling at me, without any spoken words or waste of time he passed me his smoking utensil and I inhale the fumes. We smiled before I was rushed by to my family.

I wasn’t really sure what I smoked; it could have been marijuana, hashish or opium for I couldn’t figure out the taste. To me it tasted like old man’s mouth. Not exactly a nice but without noticing the passing of the time, I realized that we were already driving two hours up north in the land of the Thais. It felt like falling through a vortex in time to alien planet that is very similar but yet very different. The Thai and the Malays are very alike in the biological ways, both with the similar shades of skin pigmentation and size of body structure but yet almost everything was different here. The language that sounds similar but much more pure and indigenous with their beautiful ancient alphabet that reminds me of alien civilizations. The mentality of them in general are much more relax in comparison and the way they drive as my dad would say is like a cow enjoying the green fields. I of course love this fact, it shows the fact that human still do love to just enjoy mother nature even though they have been corrupted with the greed of money. Of course my dad doesn’t really care for the Thai Drivers is like the next level for his Schumacher’s Reality Driving Game.

With my dad’s driving and the weird smoke that I’d inhaled, everything seems like so fast in such a small time.  Here is the stark comparison between Malaysia Highway and Thailand Highway, yes Malaysian’s road are much better maintained but in Thailand the nature is wild, the trees are filled with life, the horizon to the mountains are not killed with ‘progress of humanity’ but rather filled with the progress of life. Here Mother Earth, Gaia blessed the roads with her love. Though sometimes it is very dangerous but I’m never seen such pure authentic wilderness so beautiful.  The people who live in the small town and modern village areas of these jungles are often very barbaric in nature with very tribalistic beliefs and behaviours. We may find them uncivilized or uneducated but they are just so pure human nature of how our ancestors during our cave-men eras.

Of course, Thais are not barbaric jungle people, they are more like us Malaysians in many ways.  But somehow the Buddhism in this country has a lift of easy atmosphere, Buddha may not be proud of the outcome of the teachings but at least the laid back attitude is still there and it really groovy to know that Love is still around.  I remember exactly the moment that I snapped out of whatever I smoked in that old man’s pipe, It was the Buddhist Monks walking at the side of the highways up in the hills. It was the usual quick tropical downpour from the Rain God sending his love and the Monks were wet embracing the shower rain walking silently.  At first I thought I still tripping since its not that common to see a hitchhiker in Malaysia for I’m normally that person but to see Monks Hitchhiking, now that was the first for this young eyes. I know it wasn’t a big deal, I know it happens but it happens in front of me. My dad was reluctant to pick them up but with a little love leaking from his Action Hero persona that he is currently in (whenever he drive long distance), he decided to give the two monks a ride.

One monk was wrinkly old that he would make Gandalf look like a Nivea Youth Skin’s spoke model and the other monk looks like a real life adult Krillin from Dragonball. Both were very thankful for our help though they speak very little English but we figured out how far they were going. We exchanges conversations like a duck talking to a chicken, neither fully understood the words we were saying but there was a peaceful vibration in the car. It was a perfect way of passing the time on our journey though awkward. Maybe I was still tripping or maybe my hallucinations were kicking in but as the Monks were stepping out of the car when we reaches their destination, I think I heard the Old Monk whispering in my ear ‘Do Not Be Afraid of the Choicest to Make. The Longer You Float In Between, The More You Will Fade.  ’in perfect English voice that sound so much like John Hurt in Doctor Who, ‘You Must Do What Is Necessary for The Sake of Sanity and Peace.’ 

I was bewildered by his words and just as I was about to reply back, ‘But Not In the Name of the Doctor.’ The Krillin Monk gave me a small little wooden box with traditional carvings. He said to me ‘Look Up For The Stars.’ Both then just left going back into their temple in the small town. I was thinking to myself that is the worst inspirational quotes you can ever make up. All that alone time in the temple and you gave me a shit advice to look up at the stars? Hall bloody Marks can make up more philosophical quotations.  I got back into the car wondering on the words they have said before I lost my train of thoughts and finding myself examining the wooden box. There seems to be no opening of any sorts but it is definitely hollow inside with something quite warm inside. The Carvings are useless, nothing Da Vinci Code about it. Just bloody natural patterns. I kept the box in my bag next to my notebooks and the smuggled in mini-grinder, RAW rolling papers and some filters along with my Sherlock Holmes pipe.


It was a tiny little coffee shop on the very outskirt of the small little town next to a seaside, not too much of a tourist attraction but still active in its diving scenes and other marine research fields. The coffee shop was adorned by a beautiful garden entrance not to grand but rather very natural sort. A simple dirt road for drive in that is right next to a gnome-protected bush with pots of colourful flowers as the defensive wall. A small tyre swing on the big tree that sways with the gentle winds, a white-painted wooden cabin that stands beautifully with the mountain ranges in the background. It is a sort of place that you would expect Joss Stone to be hiding in. 

Thanks to my quick 'Stoner-Sense', our travelling van manages to catch a quick stop for evening tea at the Blaze Cafe.

It was perhaps the most perfect stop you can ever get especially for a Ganja Addict like me. The Cafe was adorned with nostalgic artefacts such as the Beatles covers, Hare Krishna ornaments and many more indication of the golden times of the Hippies. There was only one other single customer in the cafe and she was completely 'baked' and glued to the reggae music playing on the vinyl. The owner of the cafe pops out from behind the counter as I walked into the room. She reminds me of an exotic oriental nymph with the persona of the beautiful Janis Joplin, an aging goddess baking her pastries and brewing her coffees. Our unexpected visit gave her a little shock mostly anxious for we pretty much order the entire menu set. Though the language barrier ever present, I could sense in her anxiety that her dishes are specially prepared with cannabis butter and was worried that my family wasn’t exactly the cannabis consumers’ type but I reassured her that it was alright, this little hippy would take care of them.

As my parents searches for a comfortable spot to rest with their freshly brewed caffeine’s , I took the time to sneak around the shack's back door where the Thai Goddess was preparing her equipments with a marijuana joint smoking in between her delicate fingers. There was a good reason why they named it the Blaze cafe, perhaps unintentionally out of pure habits. She stops her action as she stares into my eyes, I could almost heard her laugh as she invites me into the kitchen. It was a small sunset lit pantry where I tasted for the first time the original Siam herbs. Her lips were shaky but her love was pure. The fume that flows from her lungs to mine was the best welcome I could ever ask for. She crafts her ingredients for the ordered sandwiches while I caress the excess cannabis butter from her fingers. Without words just weed did I embrace this beauty, she led no further than flirtatious gropes but it wasn’t sexual lust did I pursuit but the high from the THC. The love of my Ganja Babe. She was a vessel for the Spirit of my goddess. Her sweet charitable gestures though short in the amount of time but long in the relativity view of my memory. 

She served the sandwiches to my family as I sneaked back in by companying my little brother at the small duck pond. 

So unknowingly my entire family from the oldest to the youngest member was ignorantly munching away the cannabis-laced sandwiches and brownies. It was perfect, like a scene from the movie 'I love You, Alice B Toklas'. A first reflection of my family as a whole again for the first time in a very long time since the hellish days of the past, and the moment is enhanced by the sneaky cannabis. From the distant uncommunicative among each other to a real family. It was a miracle; the cannabis was a surgeon of love. The Cafe was a Miracle Worker.

As we left, I gave a last smile as she blows a kiss.

The Drive from Blaze Cafe to our Villa in Phuket was a short drive, perhaps the longest drive nobody was really sure but I know that everyone was very happy in the car. All laughing, all loving, all perfectly positive as a whole. We made it to Patong Beach safe and sound. To me, Mary Jane was there to ensure whatever happens; the in nonce of the youngest member in my family will be filled with good memories. She protected us with her love by letting us all love each other. And I know that for the next 10 days here on this Island, I would only be looking for her love. I would be searching for the Ganja. Try out the local Ladies that spicy Thai Kush, that sexy beach nugs, that promiscuous foreigner's stank. Perhaps even find that Missing Girl that Mr. Nobody met on his last hitchhiking adventure. Perhaps this Harimau Ganja will add a few more stripes on his back. It looks like this is going to be a happy vacation after all.

  - Said the man to the stoned cat.

More to come......

Gotta wait till this stoner writes it down...

Cuming Soon...


  1. Hi, I'm not sure if you're still active, but I just recently moved to Phuket and would love to pick your brain about the choice spots in the area. Please let me know if we can make this work, thank you!