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Monday, 27 August 2012

Story of the Unexpected Lovers :- Anna Maria


It is amazing how the universe works. The random acts of probability has allowed life to exist in this universe and it has given magical moments of unique interactions between the component of reality that might only come once in all of existence. Maybe its the unique blend of two opposite particle of a chemical stardust which defy laws of physic and creates a unbelievable visions of colours that would never be seen by any eyes but yet it happens. Maybe its even the simple act of surprising odd  interaction of souls that would never be able to meet in any other condition and creates a moment of true and pure emotional and spiritual connection of inter-dimensional which so often imagined as the real love. But nevermind the tedious questioning of WHAT IS LOVE? No one really can tell you the answer anyways their perception is either influenced by medias and other minds or its nothing even closed to your perception of the matter. No, love is not a question. No one need to ask or be taught to love, you will never know love until the very moment of your death. When you look back and realize which interactions of the potential lovers and companions that emerges on the very last moment of your breathing life. Yes, i think this would be the only time you will find the answer to the question of What is Love. I think if i die today, there would be only one thing that without a doubt would replay in my final moment. It would be her.

The eyes of a scarred past but yet fresh and sweet innocence of a dark hazel brown eyes which hangs perfectly on the mantel piece below her natural brows that hides the true emotions for all her entire waking life. Her dark river of a brunette hair flows in the most careless but yet beautiful style. Her nose were just fine, not too big or wide or small, it was just the right size. Her lips were...Well we get to those seducing lips later.

To those who reads this blog regularly or have read the past entries there would be a great mystery for a certain amount of period from one post to another. But perhaps the biggest change was from the lovely post of relationships matter to complete alienation of my personalities from the words and even post of depressing and lost nature. Hopefully this post would help you understand a bit of my inner thinking. The truth is i never told anyone the truth. Never wrote anything that is too personal on this blog. And now i wish to try to change all that with a simple story. A story of The Missing Girl. You may read a post entitled Mr. Nobody's What is Love 2.0 ; Journey to Being Lost and Unexpected Companion. ( ) 

A lame post with a lame title, i know but that is because i wasn't telling you the truth. I was hiding the main details. And i named it after the post What is love? Because that was the first post i had mention my previous lover. And it was trying to connect the two post. But i guess i didnt do a very good job. Here is my redemption of that post and hopefully this could give that special day and moment the true respect and literacy acknowledgement it deserve. This is the true story of how i met The Missing Girl. This is my journey to becoming and perhaps the only time i was truly myself, I was truly Mr. Nobody. I think this would be the most crucial moment of my life that i would remember on my deathbed. At least the most crucial moment of my life so far.

P.S : Everytime there is a video play it to get a bit more of the audio experience which conventional reading materials are missing. It is just a background song so go ahead and skip it if you like. Best not to and minimal the volume of the videos. Thank you.

The Unexpected Lovers

I step down from the bus with all my belongings and made my way to the almost deserted food court with only a few off road drivers taking a rest and having their lunch at the only opened tiny restaurant. Due to the effects of my illegal substance usage of marijuana smoking, the munchies forces my lazy feet to drag across the floor to gain some nibbling bites. I took my plate of  cold fried noodle and iced teh tarik to an empty table. As i began to chew on my food, a glimpse of an girl in worn out blue jeans with a grey ballerina like shoes and red punk shirt that hangs loosely with its ripping holes dangling  so slightly to reveal the soft delicate skin beneath it. A leather jacket that looks like its been stolen from the body of James Dean car crash covers the shirt giving a better covering of her skins. She took off her dark sun glasses and placed it on the table as she sat across the hall facing my table. Her eyes catches mine starting back at her. A moment of silence was quickly distracted by the noisy sounds of the engines passing by. I stole glimpse of her beauty as i was quickly forcing the stale food down my throat and hurriedly made my way to the washroom to release excessive waste in my body. I was trying my best not to be there in front of her for the fear of staring too much and afraid to make any move on her because well what if some creep walk up to you at a highway rest stop, you're first impression wouldn't be too romantic would it. So i left it at there and made my way to the toilet where i made the most glorious piss i ever took in awhile. By the time i got out of the toilet, i realized my bus to the north had left without me.

'Fuck, i am fucked' was the words that keep on replaying underneath my breath as i slowly started to walk on the deserted highway. This is it, this is everything my alter-ego name has ever represented all these years and now here i am finally lost without a trace. In the middle of the highlands far from the nearest civilization and surrounded with the nature of tall cooling trees and a perfectly clouded sky that gives the grey tone of a cinematic french films but yet with the bright silver-lining lights of the tropical equator sun peeping behind the dull blankets. No one know that i am here, i don't know where i was. Neither did the calm forest and their inhabitants knew or even concerned of my presence in the middle of the lonely road. And it was nearly mid-noon, i doubt anyone who knew me would be busy thinking of me. And to make it even more complete i wasnt even thinking about myself or thinking at all matter of fact. It was as if i didnt exist in any reality or in anyone's thoughts. Not even my own. I'm not there. I am nobody. Mr. Nobody.

Just like the perfect and almost coincidental situation possible for the chemistry of this planet to spark a tiny life form, a decision so wild and spontaneously made changes the lives of the two individuals. After countless rejection to his hitchhiking cry for help from passing cars, a small red car slowly rolled next to my tired legs and paced down to the rhythm of my worn out sole of my red converse shoe. The side-window rolls down and reveals the face of the angel which i had decline to stare at rest stop. She looks at me momentarily as i stare back at her. A quite moment and almost awkward silence.

"Where are you heading too?" she asked in the calmest manner.
"Up north, to the west, miss." said I.
'' Hop in. I'm heading up to Thailand could drop you off on the way."
"Are you sure, you want me to get in? Arent you scared of picking up a hitchhiker?"
"I doubt you would do anything wrong. You look like a hippy who's too stoned and a pacifist to be a blood thirsty murderer with your green recycling logo shirt."
"Well,  most bloodiest serial killers do look like the most polite person ever. I may look harmless but looks may be deceiving, heck you could be a serial killer for all i know."
"Do you seriously think i am a serial killer or are you just making up excuses to not enter my car because you are too nervous about your sexual desire towards me?" she questioned my true statement.
"What do you mean by that?" I pretended to be oblivious to her remark.
"Didnt you think i notice you staring at me back there at the rest stop?"
"I am not sure what you are talking about?"
"Dont play dumb. Now do you want get in the car or try your luck on the road in a country where hitchhiking is really frown and feared upon?"
"Fine i will get in your car but answer me this question first. Why did you stop for me anyway?"
"Its going to be a boring ride to the border and i would love some company. Besides I too was staring at your pretty little ass," she smirks in the most alluring way possible for the action of smirking.

I quickly climbed into the passenger side of the car and sat next to my savior of my tired feet. I neatly position my bags and myself into a comfortable position as she began to increase speed in her driving. I look at her and began to introduce myself before getting interrupted, "Thank you for the lift. By the way my name is..."
"STOP! Dont tell me your name. Dont tell me where you live or how old are you or any of the other useless information about who you are. Those facts dont define you. If you wanna ride in this car, there are some rules. Rule number one and the most important, Dont leak out the tiny details of those stuff like names and particulars and neither would I. For once i want to make my own mind who you are by just talking to you. This is going to be a long journey and i guess by the end of it, we both can imagine all those other details and made up our mind of each other. Rule number Two, answer all questions Honestly from the heart  and i would do the same. There is nothing to be afraid of since we dont know each other and have no chance of ever telling each other secrets to anybody without our names. Third Rule, after this ride we wont see each other again or contact each other unless somehow the universe and luck cross our path again. Can you follow this rules, hitchhiker?" She sets her rules.

"Of course i can. I always wanted to do that as well. I was just being polite to introduce. Its nice to for once to this. To have no reason to lie. I have always been sicked with the double standard and self controlling one's image in social interactions because of the concern of name-sake. But it would be weird to talk to someone without a name perhaps we could used some alter-ego name which wont reveal the details but yet shows the true personality of ourselves. Like for example, my name is Mr. Nobody.'' suggested I.

"Mr. Nobody? Sounds lame but deep in a way i guess. Haha. I supposed you're right it would be weird to talk to a nameless person. i guess my name would be The Missing Girl? Fuck that sounds gay. I got a better idea, why dont you give me a name. Right now with your first impression of me. What would you name me?" She asked.

"I'm not sure, Jane Scarlett? I guess.'' I hesitated with my opinion.

"Jane Scarlett? Sounds like a superhero's girlfriend." She said and began to question my reasons but as she was talking a beautiful ray of the sun pierced through the cloud and shines upon her face adding the missing glow to her complexion and in that instance a name appears in my mind.

"Anna,'' I interrupted her question. "Anna Maria.''
"Anna Maria? I like that. Why Anna Maria." She asked.
"Anna Maria is the name of a character i so often wrote whenever i create a story. Amazingly in many ways you do look like how I imagined her to be like in her early twenties,'' I explained.
A Writer. Interesting...maybe you are right. I could be just a character in your fictional works. Perhaps I dont exist at all. Maybe you are just dreaming this all up as you sleep on the bus on the way to your destination.." She suggested.
"How about me? What do you think my name is?" I politely asked.
"Well, by the look of you, i bet its a name of an exotic but yet unique qualities. Mixture of European and Asian indefinitely. If i have to guess maybe Rohan or *Santiago (with a funny accent)..." she said.
"Santiago? Hahaha...Do i look like a hispanic to you?"
"Well you are brown. Haha...Okay okay...I name you Kaveh of the Oblivion. "
 "Kaveh of the Oblivion? Unique name. I like. Has a mysterious nature to it. Why such a name?"

"Nevermind the why? You tell me, who was she and what did she do to effect you in such a way that pulls back your true potential to a nutshell of shyness?" she inquires.
"I have no idea what are you talking about?"
"Dont lie to me. I know what kind of person you are. You are like me. You're running away from something of  your previous life back from where ever you came from. You missed the bus and never even tried to call anyone for help and just went walking in the empty terrain of highway without even getting some supplies for the journey from the shop. Its as if you wanted to miss the bus. Its as if you wished to be gone. Which only mean you are running away from something. But what is it? And I can see that your shyness towards the female gender is purely due to your fear of getting hurt or hurting another person, so it cant be a family matter or work related or even education related, you would be happy and un-shy. And with a suggested name such as Mr. Nobody i know you would be most comfortable being lost but you are not yourself right now, Why and who is she?"

''You got all that from watching me? You could be right and you are in many cases but you are forgetting that i could be naturally shy or not exactly comfortable with you right now. Maybe that could explain my behavior towards you."
"Kaveh of the Oblivion. I know a broken heart when i see one.," Anna Maria said to me as she stares into my eyes. With that gesture my deepest suppressed emotions where revealed to a total stranger.

"Okay, her name is Jenny Reid, i guess. She was my first ever longer than 3 weeks relationship. Basically she was my first true girlfriend. It was my first time letting my guards down and actually connecting with someone who i felt an almost spiritual entanglement. Unfortunately, i am a delusional writer who often plagued with hallucinations and other stuff which could put a man in a nuthouse. Though i do try to hide it from her from the first few months but the truth was told to her and she tried to adjust and understand it but honestly nobody can truly cope with such a state. After she left, i gave in to my delusions and began heavy drinking and countless usage of drugs. Of course none did work, but i guess marijuana did help to keep my mind adrift from the thoughts of her. I am over her now though but i guess i am not really myself anymore. This is the reason for this journey, i hope to find myself again or at least discover the new me. But for now I do not dare to interact with female counterparts, for fears of them hurting me for i would be too heartless to the beautiful angels." 

"Interesting. I am too in the journey of self discovery. I lost my parents which pretty much the only family i have left and now just searching and traveling around the world to find something that is missing in my life. Not too long ago i had a companion like yours but sadly he wouldn't understand my decision and didn't wished to join me. Not unless he can fuck me anytime he wants, which i think would be a shame to give my most sacred possession to such a dickhead. I want to give my virginity to some one uniquely deserving of it. Someone with soul."

Ä moment of silence in the car.

"Now dont think you gonna get lucky with some stranger now alright." She quickly reminds me.
"No no of course not. Never crossed my mind."
"Yeah right." We laughed in the most dishonest sound of concealment.
 "How long have you been on the road?"
"About a few days only, so far. Not sure where i am going to or how long i would be on the road."
"Cool. You know you are one unique girl. Very unlikely for me to be comfortable around people but you are different. Its as if i have known you from a previous life perhaps."
"You dont believe in reincarnation do you?"
"Well not the literal ideology of an everlasting soul that continuously reinstall itself into a new shell. No of course not. But i do believe that its a poetic expression for all the memories and experiences of those who we observe which influence our way of thinking and thus gathering all the years of knowledge from previous existing life on earth."
"Well i guess that is the most sensible explanation for it but there are loads of people who still believe in such thing as a fact. Whats your religion anyway?"
''I'm a rastafarian Atheist, I guess.."
"Rastafarian Atheist? How does that work? Two opposing beliefs system."
"Well Rastafari is formally practice as a way of life, pretty much like Buddhism but sadly with man everything is corrupted and turned into a religion and though this did happen with Rastafari but it still remains one of the most unorganized religion ever."
"Interesting. But what exactly is the Rastafarian Lifestyle that you practice?"
"Pretty much, be modest and remember your roots of motherland Africa. Bring peace and love to the world and create a Zion of it. Rebel against the Babylon or Establishment of greed. And most importantly enjoy and understand the magic of Ganja."
"So pretty much, you are a hippy who loves getting stoned?"
"Well if you put it in that way i guess, yeah. How about you? What are your beliefs?"
"I dont know. I dont have one, another reason for my travels. Talking about ganja. Do you urm..."
"Do I what?"
"Do you have any?"
"Do you want to smoke?"
"Jah would want us to. Hahha..."

We laughed as i pulled the cannabis out of my pocket and began the ritual of rolling a joint as she turns on the music. The next half an hour or more was filled with smokes and talks on the music taste of each other. With references to arts, culture, books , films and many more. Some are agreed upon while others are set with contradicting debates which would made both side of the party proud of the full information gather by the two competitors with high respect and a reasonable conclusion. Einstein's theory of relativity states that time is relative. When you have fun, time seems to fly by in comparison to when you are in pain. Thankfully, the usage of the herb allows both Anna and i to enjoy every small details of the moment and thus truly bonds in our time traveling journey. From a simple stranger to close friends to that someone special all within an hour or two which of course seems a life time for those two high fuckers. And with such luck, the car manages to slowly die out on the top of the hill just a few a turn away from the nearest town.

"Dude, why did the car stop man?" I asked her.
"Shit, we are out of gas." She replied.
"Nah, i'm pretty sure i still have gas in me man." I farted. "There goes another one." 
"No you idiot, and that smells man. I'm talking about the car. We out of petrol."
"Shit dude, What do we do now?"
"Well there was a sign board that states a town in the next couple of mile or something and it looks like the road is going downhill soon after the turn. Maybe we could push it down and see how far we can go with the car before needing to walk over to the nearest station."
"uh? Oh okay...."

So i started to push the car slowly but surely around the corner and down the hill. As the car begins to gain speed, i nearly trip over my toes before quickly jumping into the car. We laugh as we ride down. We rolled down the windows and stick our head in the air and screams out loud, echoing the forest with the sound of joy. Soon the momentum began to fade as the car made its way to a stationary position just before the turning into the town. We both carried our most important valuables and leave the rest lock in the trunk. We then began our walk into town. As we passed a few village areas with farms and wooden houses, an idea sparked in my mind.

As we ran into town doing the dance of the mischievous activities of a rebelling soul that is filled with joy and love.

"Hey anna, you had your rules right?"
"Yeah so?"
"Well, i got one too. Lets just imagine right now that we are not here."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean we are already using created names. Why dont we imagine that we are not even here in Malaysia. Imagine we are somewhere else."
"Somewhere else? Like where?"
"I dont know, like a foreign land, a wonderland for only the two of us. See those villages. Imagine its something like the farms of the dutch with windmill and all."
"I dont understand."
"Just close your eyes and open up your mind. Use your third eyes, Anna." I continue by whispering the details of my imagination in her ears. Every words carcasses her ears and modify her perception.

Photo by Dill Malik

Photo by Dill Malik

"Yes, i can see it now. There is a duck in the river. How do you do that?"
"I didnt do anything. You were the one who understand my words. Nothing more."
"Its beautiful."
Photo by Dill Malik

Photo by Dill Malik

We continue our journey through the town and our imagination in search for the petrol station. As we walk through the town we see many wonderful things by using a paradigm shift. A simple table and chairs abandon at a corner of an empty space building is transform to something like this below.

Photo by Dill Malik

Simple things were changed into a different perspective. Simple stuff such as a old man walking his dog, the plain buildings and even the roadsides where transformed into somewhere else.

Photo by Dill Malik

Photo by Dill Malik

Photo by Dill Malik

We were atlas being our-self in a place that we see beauty of our own delusion. I guess you either fake yourself or you fake your reality and we decide to fake our reality for its much more convenient. We are no longer in a hot tropical climate but rather in this hazy Amsterdam looking wonderland of our own mind. She was the very first person who shared this kind of experience with me and so far has been the only one capable of doing so. The first to share my delusion and play with me in my insanity. To me this is the greatest thing to share and one of the most amazing experience ever, far more important and sacred to me than losing ones virginity or falling in love for the first time. This is a true connection of the mind and heart, if i might even add the soul. It was almost unreal. Though you might think she could be lying but there is no doubt she was in the exact place as i was. She saw things that wasnt meant to be there. Maybe its due to the weed, i dont know. Honestly i didnt care. I didnt want it to end. She was my twin. My eyes gazed at her lips uttering these very few words,

"Dont fall in love with me. It may sounds cold but Your Love is not what i need right now."
"So dont give it to me," whispered my quick quirky and at same time a tad bit of arrogance reply.

Photo by Dill Malik

It was very unique. I felt her in my mind sharing my vision. As we wondered through the town, we saw a seafood restaurant and decided this would be a great place to enter and just enjoy a cup of coffee and perhaps nibble down our munchies. A simple wooden house was transformed into a vintage styled diner, the little talking fish on the wall was changed into a giant swordfish of prideful catch.

Photo by Dill Malik
In true reality, all we did was just walk around a simple boring rundown town and enter an old almost empty Chinese restaurant but like how i said earlier it was the first time i ever had someone else travelling in my habit of jumping reality.

Photo by Dill Malik

We sat in our own vintage perspective dream-like world of the cafe as we give our selections of beverage and meals.

'So, are you gonna tell me how you are doing this?" She asked with a confident gesture of the female power.
"Doing what?'' I replied with the intention of James Dean attitude.

'Dont play games with me, stud? You got a unique charm, i give you that. But I have never met anyone who could open up myself and my mind the way you are doing now." She stated in a subtle disappointment in herself and a fearful tenderness of her affection.
"All i did my dear Maria, is hitch a ride and whisper a few words. The rest was you interpretation of the words. Your easy connection to the subliminal messages that I had been conveying is due to your first impression of me. You wanted me to get in the car because You just literally wanted me, in all of the sense the statement Wanting. Desiring.'' I replied in the manner of Alfie.

'Alright, Mr Bond. But do explain further on my little adventure in your imagination?" 
"What you see around you is your perception and not mine. I merely gave you the permission to view from your own eyes which the world have so often deny and robbed you from that right.''

'So you opened my eyes to my own dreams, huh? And what would the agenda be behind these noble actions of this unwary hero of this damsel in distressed ? " She questions my motive.
"The answer was revealed to you on the very first instance of our meeting. It was clearly displayed to you my true affection and feelings towards you.'' I replied while combing back the hair from her face and neatly placed them behind her soft delicate ears. I slowly move her head closer to mine as my palm swipes across her cheeks and putting my lips tenderly near her ears to almost nibbling distance.  '' The answer is simply because...'' I whispered.  ''I find you as very unique specimen of human interaction.''
'Haha... Thats unique. " She laughed at my statements. 'You just wont say those little three words because you know how it will hurt you.  So i guess we cant be in love like those movies hun?"  She questions in a disappointing tone of her surprise to the reaction that she so dearly wished in a man. 'So i guess this isnt one of those indie movies where two strangers have a love affairs in some remote fairytale-like deserted town. " 
"No we cant be in love like the movies. Coz in the movies they always play the right songs and life is more than two hours long..But this is neither my life or yours. We are not ourselves right now but yet only portraying our true personalities in this made up characters of ours which shows a higher amount of our true identity than our everyday life. So why not let this day be a play? Why not for once in our life lets live like the magical escapes of the movies.'' I suggested.
'So if this is a movie, what act are we on? " She jestfully replied in a seductive manner.
"I guess this is the part where the hero has already expressed his feeling to his love interest and awaiting her reply before some magical almost photogenic moment of the first kiss.'' I replied like a man should be.
'And what happen if the heroine of the movie doesnt give the mutual feedback to lead to the major kiss scene? " She wondered.
"Then our hero would do what Abraham Lincoln have so many times jest about and go hang myself from the tree of the oval office..'' I replied.

She laughs at my lame joke and hold my hand on the table. We stare into each others eyes and saw beauty. For a moment or two out of our chaotic reality there was beauty. The annoying song of the Beatles rings in my ear as my thoughts drift into tone and melodic voices of the gods by the simple inquiry of my heart. The question was 'If I fell in love with you, would you...' Funny how it fits perfectly in my current situation. The time stood still as i could see the glaring reflections of the sunlight that brightens her face with joy of warmth. And in that frozen time, i slowly steals a kiss upon those motionless lips that holds the juice of elixir. I was replied with the sudden movement of her lips replying my affection as she escapes the curse of frozen time and travelled into the timeless reality. A momentarily kiss in a different plane of reality out of the reaching hands of times. A moment capture out of the imaginations of two lovers. We stood there staring as all out deepest secrets pours out of our lips and shared into our companion. A flash of lifetime memories lingers in her eyes and mine reflects in return.

"If this is a movie, i would freeze this moment and frame it as the greatest masterpiece ever made....'' I whispered.

She smiles.

Photo by Dill Malik

After the moments of the timeless kiss, the was a rapid acceleration of time. A simple blink of an eye from the moment we kiss flashed all the way to our 23rd time kissing in the car on our way back on the road. I didnt remembered how we got there and i wasnt sure because i was so attached to the moment we kissed or was it because of the effects was slowly fading away. I look at her as she lights up another roll of a joint, like a hippie wife i saw her sitting there next to me all of my life. I illegally driving the car without even knowing how i got there. It may sound bad but that is true love, the true moment of the first kiss is so much stronger and magical that other memories are ill equip to be stored in the same day. We parked the car on a hill over looking the forest and the sunset. Just off the road and we lay there upon the hood of the car drinking a few bottles of wine and a couple rolls of marijuana. It was perfect, It was beautiful, it was true love. As the sun slowly fades away in the distant and so decrease the distance between our skins.

I slowly harass her delicate and pure soft skins with the invasions of my harsh rough surface of my scarred hands. Pulling back the hairs that veils her eyes from mine. Stares deeply into the void of her watery window to her soul. A peck of kiss i did lay upon her lips before I nibble on the nervous canvas of her throat that is pouring with her sweats of ecstasy. A hard grip upon the back of her neck as i move my lips to devour her ears and lower skimming my lips on her collarbones. A momentarily stare of affection into her victim-like stage eyes of innocent before i gently molest her nose with mine doing the rituals of the northern human culture. My hand ready to pounce on the mission of removing those almost pointless clothes on her vulnerable structure of a body as my lips distracts her attention by tendering the revealing weak point of her upper bosoms. The fragrance of the wine lingers on her skins from the flowing drools of my lips as it make its way through the mountains of pleasure that was carved by the goddess of erotic aesthetics which were bared  due to the hungry hands of my eager lust. She trembles in an agonizing pleasure of pure adrenaline and dopamine rush.  My scavenger hands pursuit a higher victims as it slowly trespass the sacred santity of her female natural treasure. She sighs as it slides it ways through her undiscovered terrain of her body. My lips tantalizingly slithers it way down from the everlasting delays of her bossoms and down through the plain fields of her sensitive abdomen. A small pit stop of kiss on her belly buttons before my lips digs its way to the promise land of El Dorado. A gushing flood of climatic joy pours from her cave as my twisted tongue corrupts her touch receptors.

She arcs her back as my engorging vessel of warm blooded veins drills into her uncharted territory. A muted scream of pure orgasmic bliss slips through her trembling lips that is now occupied with the wrestling challenge of my tongue. She stares into my eyes as the final light of the sun fades from her eyes and like a burst of big bang, an explosion of our souls lights the stars of the night with the echoing whispers of our love making over coming the lonely howls of the wolves. Every movement made was perfectly choreographed to dance with the balance of the universe. Like an exotic dance of existence. She wraps her legs around my ever so motion-filled body and her hands grip onto my skins as she tries to hold onto the rocking momentum. The minutes feels like hours, every second loved. The next few hours would seems almost like forever but yet it passed without even a second thought.

It was a graceful dance of violent beauty as we entwined with nature. Here is a photography of metaphorical sculpture of the event.
Photo by Dill Malik

Anna. That was her name. She got the devil in her heart, I know she gonna break my heart. I take my chances for romances. But there was something in the way she moves and the ways she woes me that attracts me like no other lover. I don't want to leave her now. Somehow I know that this love of mine will never die. And I love her. There are places in my life that I will remember. These places have their moments. Some gone and some will always remain. But out of all these friends that loves us, there is no one compares to you. And these memories might lose their meaning when i think of love of something new. I know i will never lose affection because in my life I love you more. My thoughts are currently pouring like a rain into a paper cup. I look at her, see the love that is sleeping while my the guitar of my soul gently weeps.  I saw my love lay in my arm as her peaceful sleep was interrupted by the roaring cars passing by. I softly whispered her to close her eyes and I will kiss them as all my loving sent in a single kiss. There she is. Her mind is now travelling across the universe as so is my thoughts. Let me take you down into my thoughts. As we ride on the back of a BlackBird who can only cry the words  'Obla DI Obla Da' to a man name Jude, who with a little help from his friends that might Come Together to utter the words 'Let it Be' in order to be able to cure such insults.  Now dont let me down, you know you cant buy me Love.

Photo by Dill Malik

I dreamt that I once met a girl or should i say she once met me.  I dreamt that the angel in my hand would be my the sweet face i would wake up to every morning as we live out our remaining days in a total peace and free from authority neighbourhood named Norwegian Woods. There wouldn't be a chair or any furniture in the house due to the believe of spacious living. We would sat on the rug and drank out our wines. She would  so often forget that we no longer had a job and we would laughs on her forgetful manners. I would still find pleasure in stroking my old bonny fingers through her aged grey hairs, and still would find the opportunity to steal a momentary peck of kiss on her worn down skin. I saw my last days of existence by her side in a cosy cottage home. Whether its just a dream or a premonition i would dare to say. All i can say is that it would be the best way for anyone to die.

Enough of this day dreaming using catchy words of the Fab Four.  Now lets Imagine all the pea....Damn it!!...Fuck this shit. Next chapter.

Photo by Dill Malik

Back to reality. Whether we wanted it or it, the time is coming to an end. She drives the car silently ashing the cigarette out the rolled down window as the radio echoes the voice of Cat Power gently whispering the song Wonderwall in the background. The scribbling of my pencil adds a unique symphony to the song as it dances on the few sheets of paper which the content of the composition is kept out of her prying eyes.

'Whatcha writing there? " The curiosity in her voiced .
"A letter for the future you..'' I replied.

'A letter for the future me? " she puzzled .
"Yes, I am writing a letter for the future Anna. Whatever is written here can only be read by you in the distant   future..'' I answered.

'Interesting. When exactly is the future, since tomorrow will never come and yesterday can never return? " 
"Haha..Well this letter is only meant for you to read once you are ready. When you have complete your journey to find yourself...''

'And what exactly is in the letter? " 
"Thats for you to find out..''

'What makes you think, I wont just read it after I drop you off? " 
"Because I trust you to do the right thing..''

'You trust a total stranger? "
"No. I trust Anna Maria..''

Her faces blushes instantly though she tried to hides it by pulling one of those Cherrybomb's smile. Joan Jett would have slap my face due to such a remark and perhaps attacks my mouth with her conquering lips while flicking the cigarette out of the window. She did exactly that. I fold the letters and seal them inside a self-made envelop. After ensuring its condition, I placed it in the pages of her copy of Jean Claude Carriere's Please Mr. Einstein novel.

She looks at me and asked, 'Where exactly have life and destiny took you to? Why Langkawi ? " 

"It wasnt much of destiny that brought me here but rather my own doings. Langkawi because its the closest I could get to my dream life and yet be far away from my comfort life..An island where nobody knows me and a place where I could try to discover something about myself. Not sure how long I would be there and where I would go from there but its a start.'' I replied.

'I guess its the same for me. Except I dont have a place to be or a job to get to. " She stated.
"Well the universe have brought us together. Maybe you should come to Langkawi with me and we could figure things out from there. If after a week you feel that its not ideal then you could leave...'' I suggested.

'What exactly are you suggesting, Mr. Nobody? Are you saying you're growing fond of me and wish me to stick around in your life? " 
"I am only reading the stars set by the universe.Haha...Honestly, yes I would love to have you around.''
'Love, huh? I thought I warned you." 
"Urm..Well I guess I am not that wise.''

'You're playing a very dangerous game if you proceed any further on this subject." 
"Well, I love playing with fire.''

'Funny boy, you are still lovesick from your last maiden and now you think you found an angel to guide you out of your darkness but I'm afraid I am nothing but the devil behind these pretty eyes.." 
"Love that is lost isn't affecting my perception right now..What I see in you isn't something you could simply find on an average day..''

'Even if the truth is what you utter from your lips, you are still in the effects of the lost and so am I. For those of our situation it is best to not fall back into the traps which we are dying to escape..It is the reason why we are both here." 
"Rejection never hurts this much before..''

'This isnt a rejection but rather a delay. My feelings for your proposition is mutual. I would love for you to accompany me in my travels too but we have to deal with ourselves because we have to admit. We are in a very deep mess right now." 
"Well lets both clean each other mess out...''

'Well, the mess we are cleaning up right now is made by our own hands and best to be clean on our own. Kaveh, you yourself said that you wish nothing more than to flow with the entropy of the universe. The universe brought us together and with such luck we might run into each other again, .'

She smiles.

Fuck. Those were my thoughts.

Photo by Dill Malik

She left me there by the beach.

She left him at a small town without a name, a number or anything that might be useful to contact each other. Just a letter of hope left for the two. Maybe one day. 

Photo by Dill Malik

She left him there with nothing more that a final kiss upon his lips as she drives away into the horizon as if she had set the control into the heart of the sun. Just as mysterious she came into his life that is how she left. He puzzled and had nothing to remind him of her. Did she even existed at all. No evidence could state that she did. No evidence of her at all, except for the moist stain of her lips onto his. She was the true nobody. His true competitor. His companion in this quest of life. He will hopefully find her again. Or at least until someone slaps his face and wake him out of his delusions.

Photo by Dill Malik
Anna. What happened? The memories of her leaving was skewed and vague to re-evaluate into mere words. it felt like someone had given a little kid the best ice cream in the world and only after a few taste it was taken from him before he could fully enjoy the delicious flavour. She was my comfort zone and my sanctuary. A serendipity of the best kind. And now she has gone without a trace. Like a dream she came and left. An impact of her presence is immense but remain subtle behind the actions of day. Slowly losing details by the hands of time.

Maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic thinking a simple sexual encounter of mutual intoxicant participant as my perfect counterpart that would balance my delusion of grandeur. Maybe there is a true love lies in the heat of the lust. Maybe its all in my head. It didnt matter now. In the Evening as the sun hides away from the sky and the moon beginning to shower us with her silvery glow, I sat alone at the station without a place to be or a person to talk to. I was all alone.

Photo by Dill Malik

I missed the last ferry to my destination and need to spend the night sleeping out on the streets like a homeless man. Not like, i am a homeless man now. No home to call my own. I have lost myself in the land of an unknown. Hard cold dirty cements is the bed of this poor man tonight. The only company i have is the buzzing pestilence of the mosquito which never fails to suck the illusion of comfort from my delusional eyes. I walk and wonder around in this small town from places to places searching of the perfect shelter. There is no shelter. Even in the big grand house of god, i am forced to lay in front of the locked gates under the cloudless and starry night skies. The phone rings continuously to check on my safety from worried voices of familiar relations. From past lover to brothers of different blood to family of suckers. I feel sorry for them to not be able to understand my view right now. This is what i wanted. This is what i craved for. A life without direction or reason. A driftwood. A driftwood who with a memory of angel in his mind. Another driftwood who will make this driftwood complete again. I will find her again. Somehow. 


Photo by Dill Malik

Anna Maria. I hear her name echoes through my heart to the sound of the crushing waves on the rocky edges of the port. Funny how that isn't even her real name. Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of her and not the real thing but which man is capable of making love to an idea and be satisfied. I have tried and nothing works for me. The salty breeze of the freezing morning sun emerges behind the distant cloud of an overnight battle of lightning and rains on the blue horizon. A taste of burnt cigarettes and cold coffee sticks on my breath like a heavy warm fur-ball that stuck in my throat. Coffee and Cigarettes are vital substance for every young man who is willingly marching his way to the graves of corporation zombies. Overnight here is not exactly a very bright idea or a useful experience. Unless you are training to be a homeless which then by all means would be the greatest practice. And seeing the life I have been living and the priority standards set then it wouldn't be to far off from my fated future.

I walk my way back toward the point of drop off. The place where I last saw her face. Overlooking the island it was. With a little premonition, i saw the life i had to experience, the countless other broken hearts and lustful nights. Another year of pure obscure moments of vague understanding and lazy actions. Another year where i would dedicate all of my time to ensure a better understand of all the tedious subjects of existence. And every now and then the tendency to search and inquiry the identity of the Missing Girl by whatever means necessary. Day by day searching through the web for her. Waiting by the phone. Trying to go against the universe and create my own rules all because of the immensely strong affections I have towards her. She will and always had been on my mind. She is Anna Maria.

Photo by Dill Malik

The stars have turned cherry red as I slowly made my way to the bench on the beach. Sipping on the warm coffee and burning my lungs out with the last roll of marijuana. A smooth sensation of inhaling the cold breeze as I wait. Waiting for my train to come and take me away from this town. Maybe a ferry of redemption or a chariot of lover's past. I wait there. For her. My minds adrift. All of my hope of seeing that beautiful angel lies  in the content of that delicate little letter. Questions of doubt flooded my thoughts. What if she never read it? What if she read it and doesnt react the way I would expected? What if she completely forgot about the letter? Countless questions with no means to an end.

I have so much to say to you, Anna...

 Eventhough if you are just a figment
Of my thoughts I’m still loving every segment
And my imagination got me desperate
And you’ve already took away my next breath
Which means I’m doomed from the outset
Cause I’m in love without an outlet
Which means I can’t make no progress
Means my ambitions are hopeless
I want to wrap around you like a necklace
But I can’t, so you got me moving reckless
To you I’d rather give more and take less
Cause you make me want to conquer every conquest
I’m trying to tell you that I love you from the longest
I’m trying to tell you that my loving is the strongest
I’m trying to tell you that...
Sweet dreams are made of me
And who are you to disagree?

I smell an aura of pure aesthetic beauty in the air.

I saw a paper delicately floating in the wind.

I felt a warm touch on my shoulder.


The End...?

P.S : All photos by Dill Malik are purely coincidence that it fits perfectly with my story. Before you make any conclusions, let me just state that She don't know that I'm using it. Hopefully she aint mad about it.

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